Burnt Toast
Q: What do I do with burnt toast? Is burnt toast even still considered toast?
Blackened in Beantown (chacker@xxxxx.edu)
A: Of course burnt toast is considered toast. I prefer to call it “carbon-enriched”. We are, after all, carbon based life forms. All that distinguishes humankind from a slice of carbon-enriched toast is a central nervous system. And some amino acids and stuff.
As spiritually empowering and philosophically inspiring as carbon-enriched toast is, the simple fact remains that it is not tasty. Therefore, when one is confronted with a slice of toast that is edibly challenged, one must take immediate steps to undo the damage.
The easiest way to unburn a slice of toast is to simply reverse the direction of time itself. We know from Einstein’s theory of general relativity (see Dr. Toast’s explanation of the Coriolis effect and Einstein’s theory as they pertain to toast), the faster an object travels, the slower it experiences time. At the speed of light, time would be at a standstill. Any faster, and time would reverse.
Unfortunately, Einstein’s theory states that it is impossible for any object to reach the speed of light.
Well, Mr. Einstein, never underestimate the power of Toast.
All that is necessary to accelerate a slice of toast to the speed of light and beyond is a good hefty toss. Don’t let its crusty texture deceive you, toast is actually the most aerodynamically perfect object in the universe. With a good windup and a well-timed flick of the wrist, it is possible to hurl a slice of toast with sufficient force that it actually rips a hole in the fabric of space-time, emerging as a tasty slice of bread ready for a second chance.
In fact, you may even have to take it out of the bag again.
– Dr. Toast
September 19th, 2005 at 4:21 pm
Nice little nugget of web surealism.
Check out our website.
I’ve added this page to our “friends” list.
cheers
September 29th, 2005 at 12:40 am
DEEEEEEEP !………………
October 18th, 2005 at 4:12 pm
Wow. I never thought of that before. Next time I burn some bread, I’m not going to waste it. Rather, I’m going to chuck it as hard as I can and then it will have a second chance. Because I believe in second chances.
November 26th, 2005 at 10:50 am
you cannot reverse time with a piece of toast so please, i beg you to harbor no ideas towards this end. you must simply adhere to the basic principle of ‘taking one for the team’. we are none of us perfect, who are we to judge when toast is burnt? i myself have overcooked my pale,fleshy palor on many a beach, BE THE TOAST, all it wants is to be loved so place it in the toast rack and make like the world is still an innocent place. or just give it to an unloved family member, perhaps a smelly aunt or delinquant nephew
November 28th, 2005 at 1:44 pm
i love toast. U can put anything one toast its amazing. Toast is cool.
u put some bread in the toaster and it becomes toast WOW! also my dad was hungry and my mum smelt like toast, thats how they got me.
January 27th, 2006 at 10:56 am
toast is fun to stare at for hours, just make sure it is coinciding with the magic of butter
August 12th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
‘Burnt Toast’ is also a well known remedy for flatulence. So feel free to pile on those refried beans for a guilt free and sociable snack.
August 26th, 2006 at 2:50 am
I love burnt toastl In fact I crave it and no I am not pregnant or anywhere near it. My 3- seed bread does not taste right until I have literally toasted it at the highest level so it is burned and crunchy.It rarely goes black, as the bread is dark brown anyway. The only way I enjoy my 3-seed bread which Publix makes specially, is to burn it then I put cheese slices on it and eat red grapes with it. Mmmmmm! I have just had 3 slices and it is 5:47 a.m. in the morning. I haven’t gone to bed yet!
November 16th, 2006 at 3:19 pm
Thank you for this wonderful information! My army of Toast will surely appreciate being well taken care of by knowledgable Toast-people like myself.
November 24th, 2006 at 6:52 pm
If toast is so powerful, why doesn’t it throw US hard enough that we exceed the speed of light?
January 18th, 2007 at 8:20 am
I, too, have an occasional desire for burned toast. Unfortunately, it does tend to set off the smoke alarms. I like to get it so burned that the surface almost “melts” and then out out the fire, so to speak, with some nice soft butter. Now that I think of it, I’ve always liked the parts of food that get burned. Wonder what that’s all about……
April 7th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
of course, this raises a burning question (no pun intended)
if this is true, why don’t scientists just make a time machine out of toast?