Funny Noise
Q: I have an old toaster. When I put a slice of toast in the toaster and press the lever down it goes down, but when it comes back up it isn’t toasted enough. So I press it back down it comes right back up so I hold the lever down it makes a funny noise. Why does it do that?
– wanting to know why (jastef@xxxxx.net)
A: Now I want you to remain very calm and listen carefully to what I am about to say. The reason that your toast is not getting toasted is quite simply that it’s not really a slice of toast! It’s an impenetrable vessel harboring tiny alien life forms, a breakfast trojan horse engineered by a mind-boggling extraterrestrial intelligence, designed to smuggle them into your kitchen so that they may take control of your mind!
Hopefully you’ve remained calm and are ready to pay very close attention to my explanation of what to do. Act normal, don’t look at the toaster! Just keep reading this page and eating your Cheez-Its.
That buzzing noise your toaster makes when you hold the lever down is the amplified sound of the communications uplink that the aliens have established through your electrical wiring to the rest of your appliances, so that they may be programmed to participate in a vast household conspiracy to drive you insane. Does any of the following sound familiar? Your VCR flashes 12:00 constantly. Your toilet makes a subtle “shhhhh” noise until you jiggle the handle. You receive mysterious unsolicited telephone calls where a recorded voice tells you to wait for the “next available operator,” who subsequently tries to sell you bulk meat products and an industrial-sized freezer to hold them.
Yes, the aliens are subtle and insidious with their scheming ways. But there is hope for you, if you follow my instructions exactly. You must kill your toaster! When I give the signal, you must lunge at your toaster, remove the communications uplink (power cord) from the wall, throw it on the floor, and then topple your refrigerator onto it, thereby smashing your toaster and its wretched alien inhabitants into a thousand pulverized bits. Now, GO!!!
If you’re reading this paragraph, I guess you survived without being atomized by tiny alien death-o-rays. Either that, or your toaster was just broken and there were no aliens. Either way, have fun cleaning up the mess!
– Dr. Toast
September 22nd, 2005 at 8:20 pm
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Hahahaha.
Ha.
November 26th, 2005 at 10:41 am
i do not believe that this lack of form is what truly concerns you. it is my informed opinion that you simply dont have the depth of compasion that is required to truly MAKE toast. I have been enjoying the occasional tea and two slices for many an era now and am always on hand to pass on the good word of john the marmalade prophet
December 22nd, 2005 at 8:34 pm
That’s so funny
ha ha ha ha Yet extremly dumb.
November 24th, 2006 at 6:38 pm
I think the toaster in our kitchen may in fact be controlling the hot and cold water in our shower. We just got a new toaster about a week ago and since then all my showers have been WAY too cold. Thank you for passing on this bit of valuable information to me! *runs to smash toaster*
January 10th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
OMG?! Our toasters do that too!? The Story;; well, whenever my toast pops out of the toaster insufficiently toasted, i push it back in, and speaking from experience.. i suggest turning you toaster dial up. Me being a light toast kind of person never turn the dial up enough and the toaster ends up making a funny sound. :S. GOOD LUCK. DR TOAST.. WILL YOU MARRY ME???
April 7th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
this has happened to me many times, but i managed to make friends with the aliens . . . i think. i still can’t find our dog.